Did You Know a Dream Can Be a Dangerous Thing?

And unrelenting fantasy can destroy your life.

Nothing in my life has ever turned out as I imagined it would—this is not bad, just notable.

I learned early to hold the future lightly, to realize hope can be despair waiting in disguise, ready to rob me of the present.

I discovered fear is often a lack of confidence, and it will sabotage our life if we are not watching.

These were the lessons learned from my mother.

Don’t confuse fantasy with reality.

It was Christmas Eve — my two sisters, two brothers, and I shivered in the car. We were waiting in front of the B & J Army Surplus store on the outskirts of Anchorage, Alaska. Our parents were last-minute Christmas shopping.

Shopping had been delayed—waiting for a payday, or the expected money from the high-interest storefront loan shark was late coming in. Or there had been an unexpected car repair or any of a half dozen other regular emergencies.

It was late when we got to town from our remote homestead. B & J was the only store open and not my mom’s first choice. Several bags in hand, she and Dad finally returned to the car. Mom climbed in the front seat and slammed the door, waking the baby who started screaming.

She always had images of the holidays playing on a movie screen in her mind, and this one was not following her script.

Instead of enjoying the simple pleasures of a shared meal and time together, her mind always seemed to dwell on what was wrong.

Don’t let expectations of the future prevent joy right now.

My mother was often miserable, and I partly blame the Dream House book. I can still picture her homemade scrapbook covered with pastel wrapping paper on the outside.

Inside, my mother had bound some thick paper, punched holes in the sides, and threaded string through the holes to form a rudimentary binding.

She yearned for the house she imagined would make us become a happy family.

So, inside this childish Dream House book, she collected clippings from Sunset magazine, Good Housekeeping, and other home and garden magazines of the fifties and the sixties.

She taped together fragments of her dreams while her children grew up in the shadow of her bitterness and depression.

I’ve been dreaming over our dream house. How perfect it is for our family in every way. Even upstairs, I note now the smallest bedroom is close to ours for the youngest child — (our baby) and the other two bedrooms are on the other end of the upstairs.

How I love that house — inside and out. It has everything we’ve ever wanted in a home — spacious, lovely, warm, and yet sophisticated.

Modern but not too — large windows to take in our spectacular view on each side and three patios! — notes from my mother

Understand, we did not have electricity, running water, or even indoor plumbing. My dad worked fulltime and yet the expenses of homesteading and five children made building a Dream House quite unlikely.

But she clung to her fantasy.

Why do people get fixated on obtaining a fantasy?

I’ve often wondered what happened in my mother’s early life to make it hard for her to be happy later. Her parents had a bitter divorce, and her mom was a professor. Both facts were uncommon in 1930. I know her last year of high school, only five boys remained in her class — those who could not enlist to fight in World War II.

However, she always spoke of her childhood as being idyllic, a bucolic time she kept trying to recreate, and it never happened.

I will never know what precipitated her ongoing obsessions and depressions. It could result from childhood trauma, or she may have had a genetic tendency made worse by stress and the isolation of homesteading.

After the birth of her fifth child, my mom would, at times, stay in her bedroom for days. My dad said she was sick, and I’d stay home from school to take care of my little brother. I would hear her through the closed door, sobbing, and I knew something was very wrong. After a few days, she’d be back to normal, or so it would seem for a while.

Mental illness is less stigmatized now, and treatment is more available. In the fifties and sixties, in Alaska, it was not. Sadly, my mother never looked for help or was treated, and her illness reverberated through our family.

Treasure the life you live — not the one you imagine you will have.

My mother tore the Dream House book into pieces and taped it back together many times.

A family is not as easily patched when love is destroyed. The rest of us never cared what kind of house we lived in; we just wanted a home with love and peace, and that was something we never had.

Our family lived in a cabin and an unrelenting series of rented houses until we all left her and home far behind.

My mother rarely learned to find joy in the ordinary. She never got a Dream House, and she died a broken woman. I don’t know what happened to her scrapbook.

Our appointment with life is in the present moment. If we do not have peace and joy right now, when will we have peace and joy-tomorrow, or after tomorrow? What is preventing us from being happy right now?

– Thich Nhat Hanh

It’s not wrong to have dreams. Just hold them lightly.

If we have no vision of the future, we cannot move forward. We would remain fixed in place if we just stared at the ground in front of our feet.

I love to hike, with a distant peak in view. I know I can expect to detour around an unexpected boulder, and I might need to climb over a fallen tree on the way.

Indeed, these potential obstacles are part of what makes the challenge valuable and exciting. If life was always predictable and manageable, I expect we’d become bored.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. You’ll be empowered to do it again.

I know my mother was unprepared for life in the Alaskan wilderness. She’d never even been camping before she agreed to live without utilities in the canvas hut, which was our first home. Most people would have worried about the grizzly bears and moose prevalent in Alaska.

But she also wouldn’t learn to change a tire, hammer a nail, or shoot a gun, and those skills are handy if you live in the country.

Because she was afraid to try, mom resented the women on neighboring homesteads who were more adventurous and so, being less adventurous, she missed much of the glory of Alaska.

My siblings and I resolved at an early age, not to be like our mother. While we’ve had struggles, I’m glad to say we have mostly learned healthy ways to cope in the world and be at peace.

It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living.

― Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment

None of us know how many tomorrows we may have. I believe life is a gift, and I don’t want to let even one day go to waste.

If you are persistently depressed, find help. Neuroscience proves brains can be changed. Treatment for mental illness is continually being improved.

Learn, love, and dare to try new things.

Be flexible in your expectations, and enjoy the surprises.