Help! My Loneliness Was Leading to Anxiety and Depression
Please don’t give up; it can get better.
Back in June, I wrote an article about loneliness and how the pandemic is making it worse. I’d just moved to an apartment by myself and I was feeling pretty isolated, working from home, and lacking my everyday social life.
Writing that first article, I resolved to practice my suggestions, but it hasn’t been easy to stay positive over the last few months. Talking to others, I know I’m not alone.
When I say, “I’m lonely,” I feel like a loser.
Being social is part of our DNA, and it’s also ingrained in our culture. Other than the romanticized solitary hero, we equate being lonely with being unpopular. If I am lonely, it must mean I don’t have friends, and something must be wrong with me.
Nope, hold up there for a minute. Anyone can be lonely.
“Loneliness occurs when there is a discrepancy in the person’s social relationships; second, it is a subjective experience, and third, loneliness is a stressful and unpleasant feeling,” a cross-sectional study in the Netherlands revealed in August 2020.
Okay, that sounds complicated, but it identifies three critical components of loneliness:
It requires an imbalance of the relationships we want and those we have.
What you and I feel in the same situation can be very different.
Loneliness sucks. It feels horrible and stresses the body and mind.
Some people are fine being alone most of the time, while others are not. It’s that simple. If I need daily, real-life human interaction it’s alright for me to accept that.
Before this year’s quarantine, I always thought loneliness was a problem mainly affecting older people. Indeed, seniors often experience life changes, which makes it harder to stay connected, but they aren’t the only people facing this problem.
A Dutch study found that two-thirds of the people surveyed, ages 19 to 65, were at high risk for loneliness. And this was pre-COVID 19.
Loneliness creates stress and lowers immunity.
Loneliness affects us mentally and physically. In fact, it is as lethal as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, being obese, and not exercising. This research also concluded that strong social support increases the likelihood of surviving a severe illness.
What are the risk factors that make it more likely we’ll be lonely?
Living alone
Being single
Not participating in social groups
Strained relationships with other people
Unemployment
Physical impairments, including loss of hearing and mobility
It’s easy to see how living solo is a risk factor, but I’ve been lonely while living with a partner. 30% of married people say they are in a non-harmonious relationship.
However, the recommended social distancing, job changes, and loss of everyday activities are creating hard-to-meet challenges.
Pre-shutdown, you might have:
Lived alone, but you saw your significant other nearly every day and spent some nights together.
Worked at a coworking space or the library and spent a little time visiting over coffee every day.
Enjoyed your job and the social group of fellow employees.
What can we do to lower our loneliness risk factors?
The most basic human needs are safety, food, and water.
And many people have to work, care for children or sick relatives, worry about money, and so much more. While trying not to catch or spread a deadly disease, we have to think about boosting our levels of happiness and human connection?
What can we do to avoid loneliness which can lead to anxiety and depression?
Honestly, as the hot months of July and August melted away in the unrelenting Texas heat, I was feeling more and more lonely. I’ve always been an exercise fan, but I found made daily excuses for not leaving the house, let alone working out—and not just because of the weather.
I’d always been an optimistic, upbeat person, but I admit, I was struggling.
Prompted by the encouragement of a friend, I started walking. To encourage myself, I played a podcast. It was the latest episode of the Rich Roll podcast and introduced me to Dr. Andrew Huberman. The main takeaway was that conscious repetitions could reprogram our brain circuitry. Okay- I’d give it a try.
Day by day, I listened to encouraging experts.
Then the next day I heard Rick Hanson on The Science of Success podcast and ordered his book Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakeable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness from the library. That sounded good to me.
The book is full of inspiration and I’m using the free resources on Hanson’s website, including guided meditation sessions.
It’s not that any of these people are suggesting revolutionary things — it’s just that we often need reminders.
I heard a speaker recently say, “Just as a professional athlete continues to work with trainers and coaches for their entire career, we all need mentors and teachers throughout our lives.”
Hanson’s book is rooted in neuroscience and effectively adds elements of mindfulness and positive psychology. He reminds us that life is a journey, not a destination. And of course, every trip begins with the well-known single step, in this case, compassion for ourselves.
I’ve never been very good at having compassion for myself and acknowledging my needs. Instead, I get irritated and impatient at myself for any signs of weakness.
And you know what? While I used to deny it- that same lack of understanding for myself translated into being judgemental of others! Not a trait I want to have. To change, I need to admit I’m human — imagine that.
Hanson says the steps to self-compassion include:
Recognizing what’s true.
Resourcing ourselves or the ability to discover how to meet our needs.
Regulating thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Relating skillfully to others and the wider world.
Okay, okay, okay. Enough with the feel-good platitudes.
What we all want to know is how will these ideas help me now?
These ideas become practical when we combine these steps with the human needs for safety, satisfaction, and connection, as we see in this grid.
author’s google sheet
For example, I recognized that even though the primitive part of my brain told me it was scary to be alone, in reality, I was not in imminent danger.
Spending time mindfully meditating calmed my anxiety.
Connecting with others in my Ninja Writing group with Shaunta Grimes, I reminded myself I was gaining skills as a writer. I searched on meetup and found a socially-distancing walking group in my town. As I repeated these behaviors, my mind and body began to relax.
Within one week of following these suggestions, I was feeling hopeful, sleeping better, and my anxiety had decreased remarkably.
I don’t watch horror movies or read true crime.
Knowing just a little of Viktor Frankl’s story, I had avoided reading his book Man’s Search for Meaning for many years. A few weeks ago, my daughter-in-law offered to loan me her copy.
I’d been through a lot of changes over the preceding two years, and I knew I needed to fine-tune my life’s purpose. The promise of this title was not a coincidence. It must be time for me to read it.
Yes, the horrors and inhumanity expressed in the first half of the book are nearly unbelievable. But so is the hope resonating in the latter portion. While almost every page is memorable, this is not a tragedy but an inspiration.
“When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” — Viktor Frankl
We have struggles and problems, but we are alive. With that life comes a chance to become, to love, to grow. I believe we are all being challenged to become more than what we’ve been—on a personal and global level.
I think of life as being a garden that needs seeds, plants, and fertilizer. When we combine those things with the right kind of work, we can create something beautiful and productive.
Each of us is an amazing creation. I hope that some of these ideas and resources can become tools and materials to help you cultivate your wonderful life.
If your loneliness does not get better and you feel more anxious or depressed, please get help. You can call 911 if a situation is potentially life-threatening. If you or someone you know is suicidal or in emotional distress, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1–800–273–8255 or Live Online Chat.
Trained crisis workers are available to talk 24/7, and every call is confidential.