Can You Live a Life Without Regrets?
At 17, I thought Janis Joplin had the answers.
In September 1970, Jimi Hendrix died, followed by Janis Joplin a couple of weeks later. I was 17, and Janis was my hero.
In early 1971, Me and Bobby McGee hit #1.
I figured these lines summed up her life, and it sounded like it was all about regrets to me.
But, I’d trade all of my tomorrows, for a single yesterday
To be holdin’ Bobby’s body next to mine.
Songwriters: Fred L. Foster / Kris Kristofferson
Me and Bobby McGee lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
Sixteen was great. I had the coolest boyfriend in town.
He was five years older than me and drove a classic Corvette. The fact that he was also the school bus driver — not so much. But, as I said, I was sixteen.
I made the varsity cheerleader squad for the next year, a dream come true. Despite the fact, there were only seventy-eight kids in my high school that year in Wasilla, Alaska — they picked every girl who tried out — it was still a big deal to me.
Late in May, five days before school was out for the summer, my dad broke the news. He told us he had taken a new job in Tucson, Arizona, and we’d be leaving Wasilla.
No boyfriend, no more cheerleading, a lot of regrets, and no more hope — for a dramatic teenager.
I was not at all cool in Arizona.
Alaska was seriously behind the times. Back there, kids were making out in the woods and guzzling Budweiser on Friday nights. Tucson was about the pot, and the acid, and the pills.
Lonely and depressed, I found the way to popularity was to party hearty! I barely graduated, having gone from Honor Society to near drop out in a few months.
Then my grandmother in California fell and broke her hip. From there, it was pneumonia, and within a few months, she died.
For some reason, her death hit me hard. Maybe it was my loneliness. Or drugs. Or music.
Those were the years of melancholy and hopeful and crazy — Take Me Home Country Roads by John Denver made me yearn for the Alaska of my childhood and Ain’t No Sunshine by Bill Withers made me cry for no reason at all.
John Lennon and George Harrison hoped for the future with Imagine and My Sweet Lord.
But it was Janis who still called to me with the raw energy in Piece of My Heart and the siren’s call of the road as she and Bobby McGee sang the blues.
After Janis’s death, I adopted the lyrics of Bobby McGee as my own and lived like I had nothin’ left to lose.
Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose
Nothin’, don’t mean nothin’ hon’ if it ain’t free, no no.
Songwriters: Fred L. Foster / Kris Kristofferson
Me and Bobby McGee lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
And that’s when I had my brilliant idea.
I’d live a life with no regrets — that’s what I thought the song meant.
All I needed to do is ask older people to tell me their biggest regret, and I’d do the opposite of what they’d done. It was brilliant — to me.
I thought they’d say things like; I should have hitchhiked around Europe instead of going to college.
And maybe, I should have moved to Canada instead of going to Vietnam.
Or worse yet, I should have listened to my parents.
It’s been fifty years since I first asked older people my question.
It makes me laugh now — but I thought anyone over 30 was old back then. All these years, I’ve been talking to folks and hearing their stories when I ask, When you look back, what is your biggest regret?
First, here’s what I never heard. Not surprisingly, nobody had answers to the shallow questions I imagined, and they never said,
I wish I’d worked and not taken my sweetie on that vacation.
Damn. I’m sorry I spent that time playing with my kids instead of working.
I sure regret going to see my dad that last year before he died
Nope. Nada. Zilch.
The number one regret was not spending more time with the people they loved.
Number two was not doing things they wanted to do — like starting their own business, taking a job overseas, making a significant life change.
It’s surprising, the unexpected wisdom of my seventeen-year-old self because this project changed my life.
I’ve really, really tried to spend my time on the things that matter most, but I still have regrets. Because I’m human.
I had to work, clean the house, and a thousand other mundane tasks, and sometimes I just simply got caught up in believing the wrong things matter.
But I’ve never regretted visiting my brothers and sisters, or the time I’ve spent reading to a child or listening to a friend with a broken heart.
I likely have only 7,300 more days to live.
I’m honestly not feeling melancholy, but as I get older, I value every day even more than when I was younger. Hell, with average mortality, I’ve only got 20 years of days left — I sure don’t want to waste any.
Life is in a holding pattern this year. We all have postponed plans, vacations, trips to see family — on hold this strange year of COVID-19.
But we don’t want to put our feelings on hold. Take the time to call somebody, send an old-fashioned card, take time to sit and talk.
I just want to love you while I can
All these other thoughts have me confused.
Lukas Nelson & Promise of the Real
Most of us are busy, but we can take time to be just a bit self-reflective and think about living our life with few regrets. Time rushes by so quickly.
I still love music and how it captions our lives. Here’s my nomination for 2020 Song of the Year — Turn Off the News and Build a Garden, by the son of Texas, Lukas Nelson.