The Surprising Results of Writing My Memoir

Writing from the head is easy; writing from the heart is hard.

As a professional nonfiction writer, most of my work is research-based and informative. Yes, I need to remember who the expected reader is and the purpose of the article. I may need to shift the focus to include specific words for Google to index, but I don’t have to dig deep into emotion, and it’s never made me cry.

However, I am working on another project, a memoir. An autobiography would be straightforward — all we want are the facts, ma’am, as Sgt. Friday used to say.

A meaningful memoir has a theme, a thread unifying the story — reflecting on universal truths. Here’s where it gets hard; what are the lessons of my life? Which true anecdotes illustrate those concepts?

This project is complicated, during a pandemic, when I’m melancholy and a bit lonely. Maybe being vulnerable will help me access childhood memories, though.

I don’t have a burning need to tell my story and spill my guts.

Yet, as I’ve grown older, I realize my life and that of my five brothers and sisters resonates with people. We grew up on an Alaskan homestead during the tumultuous years of the fifties and sixties. Isolated, we depended on each other and nature, to nurture us when our parents could not.

I am proud of my siblings and often wonder how we persevered through our complicated childhood.

Is this resiliency the story I want to tell?

My grandparents all died before I outgrew adolescent selfishness enough to be curious about their lives. Even my father died without sharing much of his life before we knew him, and none of his soul.

Perhaps only my family will read part of our collective history — what it was like to homestead.

Is this the story to be told?

Remote classes and discussion groups have introduced me to valuable mentors and new friends at the Ninja Writers and the Writers League of Texas. I’m putting in the work, but I am not alone.

A memoir forces me to stop and remember carefully. It is an exercise in truth. In a memoir, I look at myself, my life, and the people I love the most in the mirror of the blank screen. In a memoir, feelings are more important than facts, and to write honestly, I have to confront my demons. 
 — Isabel Allende

A meaningful memoir blends the past and the present while providing insights for the future.

My mission, as a writer, is to look inside and determine what shaped me, and how I reacted to the events to become who I am today.

Readers want to find insight and hope while being entertained and informed, captivated by the people and events of the story. If the book is just a shallow retelling of what happened, no one will care. Returning to the past requires me to ask questions I may not want to answer.

If I changed because of what happened, I need to be willing and capable of revealing my own ‘dark night of the soul’. That’s a lot harder when I’m writing about myself instead of an imaginary character whose destiny I control.

“I’m not looking for group therapy. I went to one memoir writers group, and that was enough.” my friend, also a writer, told me.

Humans fear loss, abandonment, and loneliness.

All of us, regardless of our age, where we live, or who we are, share the same needs. First, there are physical needs of food, shelter, and safety and then the need for the love and companionship of other people. Which of these needs are most strongly related to my own story?

Feelings are still painful decades later. What happened to all the adults in my story? What made it impossible for them to care for the children? Why didn’t they love us enough?

Do I remember times when I could barely parent my children? Yes, though, it hurts to admit. Am I more like my mother than I want to recognize?

Is the story to be shared?

Memoirs that work let readers see themselves in the story and identify with the writer’s experiences.

How brave do I need to be?

My brother told me, only half-jokingly, that writing a memoir will include going to therapy — either before, during, or after. I said to him, I’ve got the before part down, and I’m willing to do the rest.

All effective personal writing requires us to mine our pain deeply enough to tell the whole truth. Not because the reader is an unabashed voyeur, though they may be, but lies seldom move us as the facts do.

So, I must dig into the anecdotes that tell my story, regardless of how painful it is to resurrect the memories. I know the more introspective and vulnerable I am, the more powerful my memoir will be.

A memoir is about universal truths — it is not about the author.

My story is absolutely a ‘work in progress’, but with the help of generous mentors and the examples of extraordinary books, I’ve already learned these truths.

• A memoir is a story of overcoming struggles, told using ourselves as the protagonists. It is not an autobiography.

• Read. A lot. Of memoirs.
  I’ve read over fifty, and I have many more on my to-be-read list. As you read, pay attention to what the authors are doing and how they do it.

• Fiction is very similar to memoir. Read it and learn what makes it alive.
  All writers need to know how to use dialogue, create settings, develop conflict and tension, and include drama and action.

• A memoir must have a theme. Keep digging until you find it.

• “Speak your own truth,” as one of my favorite therapists used to drill into me. We are not responsible for telling anyone else’s story. Each person in the narrative lived a different version and will remember events in their unique way.